When You Marry A Man You Marry His Family – Judith and Basemath’s Story
Two sentences. Thirty-two words, but thirty-two very powerful words that speak volumes.
Judith And Basemath’s Story
Judith and Basemath were Esau’s wives. If you remember, Esau was one of Isaac and Rebekah’s twins-his brother being Jacob. The same Jacob stole Esau’s birthright from him and tricked Esau and their father into giving him the inheritance that was Esau’s rightful ‘due’ since he was the firstborn son.
As if that wasn’t enough, Esau was blatantly passed over by his own mother because she favored his twin, Jacob, so much. And although Isaac seemed to favor Esau more, he wouldn’t take back what he’d been tricked into doing, which I’m sure was a bitter pill for Esau to swallow.
It is necessary to recap the not-so-high points of Esau’s life in talking about Judith and Basemath because the fact that these two daughters-in-law were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah undoubtedly had something to do with how Esau was treated by her parents.
First of all, both women were Hittites people group that lived in the land of Canaan when the Israelites took it for their own. In other words, the Hittites were not God-fearing. They were idol worshippers.
Secondly, they were troublemakers. This is not an assumption or judgment. The Bible tells us that they were a source of grief. If these two were mild-mannered, family-oriented, and about the business of lifting up their husband, his parents would not have seen them as a source of grief, but rather as loved family members.
What kind of trouble did they cause? While we cannot know or say for sure, what little we do know about Judith and Basemath tells us…
- They did not encourage Esau to worship God
- They did not raise their children to be God-fearing
- They did not encourage Esau to re-establish a relationship with his parents
- They were not kind to Isaac and Rebekah
- They did not embrace their role as wives of a first-born son
Being a source of grief to your family or your husband’s family is never in God’s plan for your life.
What We Can Learn From Judith And Basemath
The old saying that says when we marry we marry an entire family is true. Even if your spouse is estranged from their family, you still marry the genetics, the product of a childhood environment, and the foundation of how and why your spouse processes emotions, thoughts, and so on.
Keeping this in mind, let’s take a look at what you can learn from Judith and Basemath…
Lesson One:
Do not try to come between your husband and his parents/family. If there are problems they are his to deal with. Now this isn’t to say you shouldn’t support your husband, but you should never instigate or agitate the situation.
- Not going behind his back to fix the situation even if he is wrong. Instead, you gently share your thoughts and feelings with him without accusing him or putting him in a position to defend himself.
- Not demanding he take your side. Instead, explain how you feel and why you feel the way you do and ask that the two of you work toward a feasible solution.
- You don’t refuse to participate in his family events if he wants to do so. Instead, be gracious and hold your tongue. Remember…your in-laws are the reason your husband exists, so….
- Trying to see the good in his family because your family isn’t perfect, either.
Lesson Two:
Treat your husband the way God intends you to. While the evidence points to the fact that Esau’s wives were grievous to their in-laws because of the way Esau was treated, there are times when a wife does not give her husband the love, respect, attention, and care he deserves.
When this happens, it’s only natural that his momma is gonna get her feathers ruffled. That’s her little boy we’re talking about.
As a Christian wife, this should never be the case (but unfortunately it happens sometimes). If you are not a Christian, there is still no reason or excuse for not cherishing your husband as you vowed to do on your wedding day.
Now I know some of you are saying, “But what about an abusive husband? Or a cheating husband? How am I supposed to cherish him?”
However, if she chooses to forgive him and work toward saving her marriage, God will bless her for doing so.
As for abuse, a husband is directed to love his wife as God loves the church. God never abuses the church and he never intends his people to be abused by anyone. So to answer your question, it is never God’s desire that a woman be abused.
Getting back to treating your husband right…
As a wife, it is your responsibility to be submissive, loving, and attentive, and to make your home a pleasant place to be. You don’t have to wear an apron by day and sexy nighties by night all the time, but you do need to make your marriage your top priority right after your relationship with the LORD.
FYI: If you do, you won’t be disappointed. Your husband will be more than happy to return the favors.
Lesson Three:
Don’t marry someone whose background is too different from yours.
The eye rolling and head shaking are almost palpable on this one, but hear me out, okay? While it isn’t impossible for couples with extremely diverse cultural, economic, social, and religious to make it, the odds are greatly against such unions.
God started warning against this when the Israelites were traveling to the land of Canaan.
He told them not to take their daughters for wives or sons for husbands. Why? Because they were idol-worshippers and he knew their faith would be tested and destroyed in doing so.
Our relationship with God should always be first and foremost in our hearts and minds. When this is so, God will make sure there are plenty of people in your life to love you and for you to include opening your heart and mind to the spouse he wants you to have.
The other differences in cultural and socioeconomic status bring unnecessary stress to a marriage, but like I said earlier, as long as they don’t hinder or take away from your relationship with God, they certainly aren’t insurmountable.
You just need to be prepared to compromise and be willing to accept and embrace traditions, foods, and expectations different from what you are used to. You also need to be prepared to provide a stable environment for your children rather than a dysfunctional, confusing home for them to grow up in.
To Sum It All Up
Whose family you can embrace (or at least tolerate), someone whose faith, values, and expectations for life and marriage are compatible with yours, and someone who understands what it means to love you as God loves the Church.